Some days, when the Universe sends me more than my mind can process, I begin to question everything. But, the question that often comes up the most is, “Am I good enough?”
The answer rattles around in my brain. It breaks my insides with little care about the mess it leaves behind. To put it bluntly, my inner bully beats up my inner child leaving her black and blue. After the assault, she crawls to the corner and wonders why all of her crayons are broken, and – more importantly – why the bully is so mad.
I remember using these crayons to color on the walls around me. Oh, it was beautiful and fun! Limited only by my imagination, the possibilities were endless. Blue dragons. Green butterflies. Red flowers. Yellow smiles. And, everything in between.
At first, I enjoyed the drawings on my wall. But, as I grow older, I sometimes wonder if I used the right color… created the right image…
Forty years later, my crayons have lost their vibrancy; They are faded, and the wrappers are torn or missing completely. Most of my crayons are broken, and the rest are hardly ever used anymore… at least, not for coloring.
My inner child, the one who once painted the walls with such conviction – and whose only battle was color choice – uses these crayons to defend against the relentless attacks of the resident bully inside. While the crayons may be sharp, they are not that way to edge the perfect line. Their point is used to defend against the constant barrage of “you’re no good”s and “told ya so”s. Most of the time, they miss their target or break into a million pieces – adding to the mess on the floor.
So here I am… on my morning walk… planning my day, selecting my color. But for what? I can already feel the fight inside. Does it really matter what color I choose today?