‘Twas the night before <insert politically correct holiday saying>, when all through my town
All the people were grinning, yet I wore a frown.
The townsfolk were gleeful and singing a song,
But deep in my heart I knew something was wrong.
I’d seen this before… not long ago.
When a fat man appeared out there in the snow.
They may not remember, but surely I do
This fat man was drunk and was covered with poo.
But this year was different. It was darker, indeed.
The crazies were smoking their now legal weed.
And that’s when it happened… the groaning was loud.
A zombie, a walker, he was stuck in the crowd.
I sprang into action not missing a beat
Remembered the rules and checked the back seat.
With my crossbow held high, I jumped into the mix
I was humming a song by my girl Stevie Nicks.
I realize that’s random but what can I say
When you’re fighting with zombies, it’s better that way.
It didn’t take long and I beat him down quick
I knew in a moment it was zombie St. Nick.
Now Christmas was ruined and people were high
Santa was dead… he was a Hell of a guy.
But what could I do to save Christmas day?
It had to be done… so I stole Santa’s sleigh.
We flew up in the air… the reindeer and me
Immediately hit a giant ass tree!
Too bad that it’s over, I’m sad that I’m dead
Christmas is finished… now the zombies will spread.
Live (sort of) reading: